Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Loner

I prefer to be alone. I have IRL friends who I spend time with very occasionally. I have a boyfriend. We live together. We have separate bedrooms because I need to be alone a lot. We've been together for almost four years and still going strong. People don't seem to get it. People think that there must have been something that happened, why am I scared of friendships and getting close to people. Sorry, I'm not. Nothing happened.

I'm not nervous about meeting people. I'm not anxious about what they might think of me. I like my friends. I like my family. I like spending time with them, too. On occasion. For short periods of time.

It's not that I have to be alone, or that I have no friends, or that no one wants to spend time with me. It's that I want to be alone. I just want to be alone. That's it. That's all there is to it.

I'd just prefer to be alone. I had a long conversation with one of my internet friends about that today. In fact, I'm feeling really really drained just from having that conversation.

Most people don't really get it. This friend, in the end said he got it, but I don't think he did.

Because never once did he say anything along the lines of "That's okay, I understand." No, he constantly presented new examples of how I was not so different from him.

This is not a week in college when I find, by chance, that I have not spoke to anyone. This is not whether or not I have many friends, or if they live in this town. That is completely irrelevant.

It's called introversion. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're shy or socially awkward. It doesn't necessarily mean you're scared or have anxiety. It certainly doesn't mean that you have no friends. It means that sometimes, quite often for some, you'd rather spend time in your room alone than with a friend having fun. Even a very close friend.

It doesn't help at all that I'd prefer to not be terribly close with the friends I do have. That fact makes this whole thing harder for people to understand. But, then again, I suppose I don't give a fuck if people "get" me.


4 comments:

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fraukuech said...

Um, not true. We spent, like, four whole days together! At the end of which, might I add, no one had died. Success? I think so.

Stargirl said...

Quite obviously, you are an occasional exception.

Stargirl said...

Plus, it's not as though I've *never* tried to kill you.

Oh and Kevin wants you to know that on Sunday, I think it was, I put on pants for Sonic chili cheese tots and a large pineapple shake, but not for you.

I just couldn't resist...

I had gotten up to fifty hours by the time I put my pants on though.