Thursday, September 27, 2007

This is stolen from an e-mail I sent to my buds. I'm too lazy to write a whole new thing.

This summer I made a huge mistake. And all summer, I knew something was wrong, but I was afraid to face it. I was so so afraid of being alone that I begged Jeff to let me come back. What a horrible reason. So, when I said that we got back together because "I missed him," that really is the only reason I could give.

He said that he'd seen it coming for a while. I was trying to hide from it. You can only hide for so long.

This summer I genuinely believed everything I said when I said that I loved him, that I wanted to marry him. But, I was lying to myself. I just didn't realize it. Fear is a powerful thing.

I haven't been happy. I've been trying to convince myself that I was indeed happy. So silly.

I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to be alone. I lied when I said I took Mary Time. Yeah, I took time off, kinda. I spent that whole time in trying to get Jeff to let me back in. I didn't have Mary Time. This semester has been kind of like Mary Time because I distanced myself from him (subconsciously) and spent a lot of time with friends. Awesome friends. I've found an amazing group of buds in Tim, K Swiss, Art and Ray. It makes me glad to be at college. (Also, when we all sit on a bench we look like St. Elmo's Fire! -- mad props to Lady Tiffany Anne )

Anyway, I'm really happy. I'm not scared this time.

That's a lie


I am scared, of course I'm scared. But it'll be OK this time. I was so scared that he would hate me, but he doesn't. I was crying and he said "it's going to be OK." He's an amazing person. Just not the amazing person that I'm to spend my life with.

There will probably be further updates next week. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to discuss if I have Bipolar. Have you ever heard of Bipolar II? I hadn't until recently. It makes a lot of sense. Anyway, you should see me. Tiffy says I look like an old person 'cuz I have one of those day-to-day pill cases and it's full!! It's okay. At least I'm not a full on LUZAR like her.


It's going to be okay.

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