Thursday, August 30, 2007

I don't like to talk to most people about when I am hurting. Just Jeff and a very close friend. I don't like people to know. I don't even like to talk to my doctor about it.

I fucking hate going to the doctor. I don't want to swear, but I dislike it that much. So, you can see, I would not go if I did not have to.

I should've gone months ago, in the spring. I know, I know. But I denied it.

I should've never gone off Lexapro.

So, now I am on Welbutrin. I've been on it for two weeks and already I cannot take it. The side effects are overwhelming me.

Did you know that if someone who is already prone to anxiety is put on Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors, it is not uncommon for them to have panic attacks? (a/n: turns out Welbutrin is a Dopamine Reuptake Inhibitor. So, I guess I'm just extra anxious.)

I know this. I've had them before, but nothing like the one I had on Sunday.

I was at work, and I was going on my lunch break. I was driving down Wilkenson and I hadn't even gotten to Belmont-Mt Holly rd... and all of a sudden I broke down.

Let me first explain something. The side effects of this medicine have hit me extremely hard. Tremors, nausea, trouble sleeping, dizziness, restlessness. The restlessness is extreme. I often have trouble sitting still. I have to shake. Sometimes, I can't help it. Some part of my body just shakes, kind of like jittery people fidget a lot. Twice it's gotten the best of me. Once was in the Chi Rhos house dinner. My leg would not stop shaking. I walked to another hallway and sat on the floor. My friend  K-Swiss followed me.

"We don't have to stay here," he said. I shook my head. My leg, my leg would not stop shaking. "Do you want to go?" I nodded. "Okay, let's go." He takes my hand and helps me up. We walk out and I express how sorry I am for making him leave, because there was a girl in there who he was interested in. I didn't want her to thing we were together.

"A friend is always more important than any girl."

So he put his arm around me and we walked around for a while. Maybe 10-15 minutes, until I felt calm. I was shaking but not as bad. So, we walked back to the Chi Rhos house. Actually we didn't have dinner there, because as soon as we got there,  K-Swiss sat at the piano and played "Come Sail Away," "Jump," "Don't Stop Believing," and other awesome songs. Half the people at the dinner were singing along, It was awesome! By the time he was done playing, the food was gone, so we went to SubWay. (Better than pizza, if you ask me.)

So, that was one time when the shaking got the best of me.

Back to when I was driving in the car. I first started crying. And then yelling at myself, my body. To stop shaking. I couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes, it overwhelms me. And then I, I don't know. I snapped. Something happened. I felt like I wasn't in control, I don't know. I drove straight to the dorms and I ran into  K-Swiss's room. I didn't know where else to go. I had a complete meltdown in his room. He wouldn't let me leave. I was in no state of mind to leave. He called my work and spoke with my manager. And then he just sat there on the floor next to me, he held my hand and stroked my back until I calmed down. (It took a while.)

I don't know what I would've done on Sunday if he wasn't there. When, I'm shaking, he can calm me. He is one of the best friends I have up here. Maybe the best. I am very lucky he is here, especially now that Tim and Andrew are gone.

So, like I said, I don't like to talk to people about this in person. Nope, not at all. I can talk with Jeff about it. I can talk with K-Swiss about it. This is one of the reasons for the rules. In addition to not wanting people to tell me what I shouldn't put on my site. (Some college students don't have the same sense of humor as others. Ridiculous. Don't like it? Stop reading.)

So, even though I don't want to talk to anyone about this, I wanted to get it all out.

So, there. It's out.

I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow to talk about if I should switch medications. The problem is, these medications take 4-8 weeks to start working. I'm two, almost three weeks into it. If I switch, I'll have to start over. If I stay, I have to deal with the side effects. Having both the cause and effect... both the depression and the freakish side effects... at the same time is miserable. I'm very very lucky to have a friend like K-Swiss up here.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. I'll say a prayer for your quick recovery.

Anonymous said...

Are you depressed or just anxious? I refuse to take antidepressants for anxiety. They really mess me up.