Sunday, April 01, 2007

On February:

I've realized that I have a lot of growing up to do. I need to figure out where I'm going and what I want. I have come to realize that I cannot rely on others to support my faith, at least not in whole. While friends who share your faith are important, if you can never hold yourself up at all, is it really your's to begin with?

I have realized how few true friends I have, but how precious they are. I have found two friends here at school with whom I really mesh well. I've found a niche with them. They are real friends. I found that I can talk to them about anything.

Yesterday, I went to Kuk Sool Won. I went with the intentions of telling my instructor that I would not be attending anymore. I got to class and I realized how much I had missed it. I know now that I am not in Kuk Sool Won for anyone else. I am in Kuk Sool Won for me, because I enjoy it.

Until recently, I never gave myself the necessary time to grieve the loss of the best friend I ever had. I never took the time to process everything. I jumped into something else too too quickly. Though I thought I had, I never took the time to really think things through. I realize that I need time to identify myself outside of another's capacity.

I still don't know what I want or where I'm going, but I guess I'll figure it out. The split was the hardest decision I've ever made. I didn't want either of us to give up who we were ...

"Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac

"Mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child in my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing,

'Cuz I've built my life around you.

But time makes you bolder,

Children get older.

I'm getting older, too."

I need to grow up a lot. There are a lot of things that I need to change about my life. I guess I was afraid. He was all I knew. He is all I know. He was my everything. And, like the song says, I built my life around him.

I'm still afraid, sometimes.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

i love you. it's good to have time to grieve. call me if you ever wanna talk.