Monday, February 19, 2007

Monday, February 5. It's late. I'm on the phone with Jeff. I manage to finally blurt out what's wrong, why I'm so stressed, and what I think should be done. All I wanted was time off. Did I want to break up? No. But, he couldn't see any other way of taking time off. I didn't understand. Give me a month or two where I don't have to deal with a boyfriend. I still don't see why this is so hard. But, he said the only way to do this was to break it off. So we broke up. I called him back an hour later begging him to change his mind.


I remind him of this. I begged him. He refused. So, in part, I felt that the crumbles could not all be laid at my feet.

I had a great week. I felt light as air. I had gotten what I wanted, albeit by means I would were not. I had some great times with my friends, studied well, and I was not stressed.

But, I could not stop thinking about him. I was so unsure of what to do. Do I forsake this happiness for something that fits? It's as if you've taken off a comforting blanket. You're used to it being there. It fits well against your skin. But, you're hot and it's getting a little uncomfortable. So, you do without the blanket, but your skin grows to miss the feel of the blanket. Do you enjoy the new cool feeling or do you do with the warmth for the old comfort of the blanket. Does that make any sense? Sometimes I take off a sweater because I'm warm, but my arms miss having the sweater around them. I don't think that makes sense, but when did I claim to have sense?

So, I put the sweater back on. I go back to Jeff. I don't know if it's right or it's just easy. In the words of the BNL "All my stuff's there anyway..." It's pretty rough trying to break up with someone you've lived with. But that's not the point. The point is that I tried to imagine my future without him and it didn't make sense. He makes some sense of me. And I still don't know if it was right or just easy. I just know that my hand fits perfectly in his. When he pets my nose, I am slightly less unwell. I sleep best when our feet are touching and my pillow smells like his shampoo. If I open my eyes and there he still is, I am lucky.

So, it might suck. Yeah, I could do with being single. But then, he wouldn't take me back (he has said he might not if we took the time off). So, I will do without somethings I need. And I will forget about all the schools that I really want to go to. I might have to go to Clemson and I might have to live in Anderson. I really hate Anderson. But I don't know what else to do, because where else can I find a pillow that smells like his shampoo? Where else can I go to sleep with my feet touching his?

And when I cry, I don't know what I'm crying over. If I am crying because I miss him or if I am crying for all the things I will miss because of him. But if I had those things, I would miss him.

And I will never travel to Europe as I would like. I will never live in Philly for a couple years, during grad school maybe. I want to live in a city, but he hates it. He will be unhappy in the city. So, I compromise. Now, I am the martyr. I cannot stand to see him unhappy. And letting him down would be my greatest unhappiness.


Anonymous said...

You're screwed either way now. He isn't going to want to hear about how you sacrificed everything for him. That will be the wedge that finishes this relationship in the end.

Women just don't do casual relationships very well. You get attached to men you know aren't going to work out. It hurts that you play your best bargining chip (hot steamy love) right away all the time. That's a trump card, you've got to hold that one for the right time (you could get a euro vacation with it OR a year in Philly easy :) )

Tokyo Pink said...

This isn't a casual relationship.

And we aren't sleeping together.

And I really don't want a European vacation... at least, not the normal kind. More like the chicks on speed eurotrash girl thing (and no, that's not saying I'm a eurotrash girl).

And listening to how I sacrificed everything? Well, I'm not bitching to him, am I? I'm bitching to my blog.

Anonymous said...

Bitching at your blog now, but wait until the next time he makes you stompin mad. These things don't stay burried.

But anyhow, if you haven't shared the honeypot with him, you can still have your year in Philly. I don't know about the chicks on speed in Europe, though. I kind of assume that you would miss the really interesting parts if you had someone you didn't want to bring a vd back to :) On the plus side though you won't end up in a Turkish prision.

Tiffany said...

It's a sucky place to be in. I wish I could say that I'm in it right now so I could sympathize with you. I've been there before, I admit. I love you, you know. I'm blessed with a peaceful contentedness with where I am in life and I pray that God will give you the same.