Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I'm almost afraid to write this on here. I know you read it again. But, fuck it. It's my freaking blog, right? Sorry for the cursing T Rex. Okay, well here goes:

I'm afraid to drown in you. What if I loose myself? As in, my personality, individuality. I'm afraid that, as opposed to developing a healthy mental state with strong self-reliance, I'm making all my decisions based on you. We are not one, we are but two. Two very separate people. What if I do it all for you and then I've got nothing to call my own?

You've been here, this state in life. You've been here, able as a single, strong, young person, to develop yourself, make life decisions, based on you. Not on he or she or it or your significant other or your dog. Just you. I don't have that. I have to think, well I need a job that will pay the bills because he loves working where he does and I don't want to have to be the person to pull him out of that.

That fucking sucks. I mean, I shouldn't have to be thinking like that at twenty-freaking-two. This is a turning point in my life. That's such a fucking cliche, but so totally true. I'm at the point where I'll make decisions regarding the rest of my life. I'm heading down the path of life and physical sciences... But...

What if I want to do something else?

Yea, I really freaking love microbes. You have no idea. Well, maybe you do.

But, I also really freaking love literature. (Remember your big giant Shakespeare book?) I love philosphy, history...

So, what if I want to go to school just to do something I love? Learning for learning's sake? I freaking love the humanities... But I cannot think of a position besides teaching. So I pick the sciences, because I know I'll be able to make a good job and money to be a mother lovin' bread winner. Maybe I don't wanna BE the freaking bread winner.

MAYBE IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S TURN TO THINK ABOUT HOW THEY'RE GOING TO PAY THE FREAKING BILLS.

I fucking hate plants. They're so freaking lame. Oh my freaking sweetness, I do not care about your freaking vascular system. I could, really, care less. Do I look like a mother lovin' botanist? No. No, not really. And you know what? Screw the fucking Protists. Except the REALLY little ones. Who freaking cares about the freaking algae? (Except nori. You are tasty, so you can stay.) Oh. my. gosh. I don't really care about any organisms.

Except my microbes. They're so freaking awesome. You wish you knew as much about bacteria as I do (unless you're a microbiologist. That statement was really directed at, you know... twelve-year-olds...)

So, I don't know. I really don't like any part of biology but the microbe part. That's fucking lame. I don't know. Maybe I wanna take more 'thinking courses,' you know, as opposed as to "this is how it works" science courses.

I want to take Advanced Logic, Creative Writing, English Literature, Marriage and Sexuality, Ballroom Dancing, Shakespeare, Liturgy and Sacraments, Love in Literary Tradition, Intermediate French, Ancient History, Philosophy of Knowledge, World Religions... The list goes on and on (with reckless abandon). Oh, I forgot yoga. I totally want to take yoga.

So, now what? Who could say?

I mean. Microbes are still, like, really freaking awesome. You don't even know.

Anyway, I love you. I mean it. Please don't call me and ask me if I'm breaking up with you. Did I say I was? No.

3 comments:

Tiffany said...

i know how you're feeling, but only a teensy bit. my 1st boyfriend wanted me to be the breadwinner. thank the Lord i left him because i don't know how i would ever do that.

i don't know how to comfort you, because, i guess i can't. but i love you.

Tokyo Pink said...

Gideon?

Tiffany said...

duh