Saturday, April 05, 2003

I really really want... and rather, need someone to talk to, but I'm not allowed to talk about this. How cruel!?!?! I cannot believe this is happening. One bad thing after another. It causes me to ponder the question: Did I ask for this to happen? Probably not, but maybe.

It is a difficult situation to be in, when you come home from work at 11 pm, and your mother comes into your room and you spend the next 30 minutes talking and then consoling your crying mother. Wait a minute, isn't that backwards? I am the child, who needs to be held and consoled. Now, all backwards. All because some stupid.... I cannot say... sorry. But I dread the coming months.

I'm sorry, Mary. I don't want to live here anymore. I want to go home. I want to go far away. Is it wrong to be ashamed of him? No, it's okay. It's not wrong. I'm so sorry. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. You know how much I love working and everything. I don't want to anymore. I don't know what to do.

What do I say? What do I say? I feel helpless...

We will not be eternally punished for our wrongs, if we are truely sorry.

I'll have to talk to Jimmy. I know I can trust him.

By the way everybody, something really awful, other than what I was talking about above, happened to me about a week ago. Or rather I did it to myself. Or better yet, both. Anyway, rock bottom was hit and now I am still recovering from the fall. But due to what happened, and after a very long talk with Jimmy, I have decided not to join the Navy. I understand now that if I do join I will be in situations where what happened to me, may happen again. If I join the Navy it will happen again, I know it. And I will not be the person I want to be. I am still trying to rid myself to the callouses that I have built up from the past years. I have become immune, I have become numb. It is hard to understand this so-called "love" that I keep hearing about. My life: I understand the facts, but I feel not the Truth.

My life is superficial. How do I get beyond skin deep? I am so shallow.... You were right the first time, Tom. I am just another superficial giggly freshman. Knowing, understanding truely nothing of life.

Oh, why can't you understand, boy?! When they speak... you listen!

To touch the rose unfearful is to meet the thorn. Pierce the heart's emotion and feel the emptiness no more

Lord, I need all the roses You've got.

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